We can be forgiven for assuming Shakespeare revered the printed word as so many of us book nerds do. The turning over of the corner of a book page, for example, does dangerous things to my blood pressure. If I discover evidence of this sin on the pages of a novel lent to a friend, the poor culprit is never offered another tome. Shakespeare surely felt the same.
Or did he?
My husband and I recently watched the old classic black-and-white film of Julius Caesar on IPlayer. We had seen it before, decades ago, but found it every bit as captivating second time around. The actors – including fantastic performers like John Gielgud, James Mason, Deborah Kerr, Greer Carson, Marlon Brando – were superb and I urge you to hurry over to IPlayer for a treat.
However, something in the performance irked me. In Act 4, Scene 3, Brutus mentions to his servant, Lucius , that he has found in the pocket of his gown a book that he had “sought for”. Producing it, he tells him: “Let me see, let me see, is not the leaf turned down where I left reading?”
Is this possible? In the days when books were rare and parchment costly, would this not have been an incredibly reprehensible habit? Was Shakespeare really condoning such behaviour? Or was he perhaps subtly indicating weakness in the character of Brutus?
We shall never know, but I like to think that was his intention, for I can no more believe he would wantonly turn down the page of a book than I can imagine Jane Austen doing so.
This Georgian terraced house in London’s Doughty Street, WC1, is where Charles Dickens wrote Oliver Twist. Now a museum, the place is well worth a visit when you are next in London and, hopefully, its picture might provide inspiration for one of the writing competitions closing this month. There are not many, but you can use them as a warm-up for the many on offer next month.
Brick Lane Bookshop Short Story Prize for stories between 1,000 and 5,000 words.Prizes: £1,000. Entry fee: £10. Closing date: 3 April. Details: bricklanebookshop.org
Bristol Short Story Prize for stories up to 4,000 words. Prizes: £1,000. Entry fee £9. Deadline: Details: http://www.bristolprize.co.uk
Bath Short Story Award has a £1,200 first prize, £300 second prize, £100 third prize, and £100 Acorn Award for an unpublished writer. Stories should be up to 2,200 words and the entry fee is £9. Deadline 14 April. Details: http://www.bathshortstoryaward.org
The Mairtin Crawford Awards 2024 for short stories up to 2,500 words and poetry no longer than 60 lines. Winners in each category will receive £500 and two runners up will receive £250. Entrants must not have published a full collection of poetry, short stories or a novel. Entry fee is £10. Deadline 10 April. Details: https://belfastbookfestival.com/mairtin-crawford-award
The Rooker Prize is Lewes’ own literary competition (associated with Lewes Football Club) is asking for the first 250 words of a novel, to be read by the panel of local judges. The deadline is 19 April, with the winner being announced on Saturday 27 April. The winner will receive a beautiful hand-carved wooden trophy, plus £250 to go to the charity of their choice. In addition, Hachette UK – one of the Uk’s leading publishing groups – is also offering an hour’s feedback/coaching session at their UK offices in London with an experienced editor, which might hopefully kickstart a new career. Entry is free. Details: Rooker@lewesfc.com
Writing Magazine Competition: Past Times. They are looking for a story or creative non-fiction set any time before 1980. Prizes: £200 and £50. Entry fee: £7.50 (or £6.50 for magazine subscribers). Closing date: 15 April. Details: http://www.writers-online.co.uk
With so much horrible weather out there, surely settling down in the warm to write a winning story is just what you need.
Please remember to double-check details before entry. Good luck!
Writing competitions offer so much more than the possibility of winning a monetary prize, though monetary prizes are not to be sniffed at. They get you writing. They develop your craft. They provide discipline. They offer the possibility of seeing your work in print, or possibly offer a helpful critique. They inspire you to spread your wings from short stories to full-blown novels. Over the years, members of ninevoices have been longlisted and shortlisted. Have won trophies and cheques and, on one occasion, a publishing contract. So why not follow our example and make March the month you triumph.
So here are a few suggestions:
Win Your Way to Swanwick Short Story Competition. To celebrate 75 years of the Swanwick Writers’ Summer School, enter short stories up to 1,000 words on “Jubilee Jollies” theme. Prize: A place at Swanwick Summer School. Entry fee: £7.50 Closing date: 1 March. Details: http://www.writers-online.co.uk
The BBC National Short Story Award 2024 is for stories up to 8,000 words and has a £15,000 first prize. A further four shortlisted entrants will each receive £600. Winners will be broadcast on BBC Radio 4 and available to listen to on BBC Sounds. The five winning stories will be published in an anthology by Comma Press. Entry is FREE, but each writer may enter only one story and must have a previous record of publication of creative writing in the UK. Deadline is 18 March. Details: http://www.bbc.co.uk/nssa
In A Flash Fiction Writing Competition from R L Pearson Books, is for unpublished stories of 50-400 words. There are first, second and third prizes of £20, £15 and £10 respectively. Entry fee is £5 per story. Closing date 31 March. Details: httpe://rlpearsonbooks.wixsite.com/rl-pearson-books/ffc2024-1
The South Warwickshire Literary Festival Writing Competition is inviting entries of prose (fiction and creative non-fiction, up to 800 words) and poetry (up to 40 lines). In each category there is a prize of £50, and the winner plus two commendeds from each category will be invited to read their pieces at the Festival in September. Entry fee is £3.50. Deadline: 29 March. Details: http://www.southwarwickshireliteraryfestival.com/writing-competition-2024
Flash 500 Fiction Competitions. Quarterly competition for flash fiction up to 500 words. Prizes: £600. Entry fee: £5 for one, £8 for two. Closing date: 31 March. Details: http://www.flash500.com
Henshaw Short Story Competition. Quarterly competition for short stories up to 2,000 words. Prizes: £200, £100, £50. Entry fee: £6 Deadline 31 March. Details: http://www.henshawpress.co.uk
Kenneth Branagh Award for New Drama Writing is for unpublished and unperformed one-act plays by amateur playwrights (30 minutes or less, with no more than six actors). Prize: three entries will be selected for performance and the winner awarded £500. Entry fee £15. Deadline 15 March. Details: http://www.windsorfringe.co.uk
Neil Gunn Writing Competition for short stories up to 2,500 words interpreting a quote from Scottish writer Neil Gunn: “Mystery. That was the last word, the word you came to at the end. No corner of its coverlet could you lift.” Prize: £500. Entry fee £8. Details: http://www.neilgunntrust.org
Fowey Festival Short Story Competition on the theme: “beaches”. Short stories up to 1,500 words. Prizes: £200, £100. Entry fee: £5. Deadline March 28. Details: http://www.foweyfestival.com
Not a vast selection this month, but you only need to win one of them! Do, as ever, remember to double check all details before entering. Good luck.
Spring is on its way. There are grape hyacinths in our garden and a few daffodils with fattening buds. Surely this is the best time to put pen to paper – or finger to keyboard – and create the beginning of a play or novel, or to enter a writing competition…
Farnham Flash Fiction Competition for original flash fiction up to 500 words. Prizes: £100 and £25, plus a £25 prize for an entry involving Farnham. Entry fee: £5 Closing date: 1 February. Details: http://www.flashfiction500.com
Bath Flash Fiction Award is a thrice-yearly competition for flash fiction up to 300 words. Prizes: £1,000. Entry fee: £7.50. Closing date: 4 February. Details: bathflashfictionaward.com
Lucy Cavendish Fiction Prize for the first 40-50 pages of a finished but unpublished novel by a woman writer. Prizes: £1,500 and feedback. Entry fee: £12. Closing date: 9 February. Details: http://www.lucy.cam.ac.uk
Writers’ and Artists’ Short Story Competition for stories up to 2,000 words on the theme of ‘risk’. Prizes: Arvon Residential Writing Week (worth £850). Entry fee: FREE. Closing date: 12 February. Details: http://www.writersandartists.co.uk
Spotlight First Novel Competition for a one-page synopsis plus first page of an unpublished novel. Prizes: professional input worth up to £1,9,50. Entry fee: £16. Closing date: 14 February. Details: adventuresinfiction.co.uk
Edinburgh Short Story Award for up to 2,000 words. Prizes: £3,750. Entry fee: FREE. Closing date: 29 February. Details: http://www.storyawards.org
Fish Flash Fiction Contest for up to 300 words. Prizes: 1,600 Euros. Entry fee: 14 Euros. Closing date: 28 February. Details: fishpublishing.com
Exeter Writers Short Story Competition, stories in any genre, but not children’s, up to 3,000 words. Prizes: £700. Entry fee: £7. Closing Date: 29 February. Details: http://www.exeterwriters.org.uk
UK Film Festival Script Writing Competitions. 3-minute scripts, 10-minute scripts, feature film scripts. Prizes: possible production, publicity and marketing. Entry fee: see website. Closing date: 29 February. Details: http://www.ukfilmfestival.com
Fiction Factory Chapter Novel Competition for your first chapter and synopsis. Prizes: £500 and appraisal. Entry fee: £18. Closing date: 29 February. Details: fiction-factory.biz
Flash 500 Short Story Competition for stories up to 3,000 words. Prizes: £500, £200, £100. Entry fee: £7, £12 for two, £16 for three, £20 for four. Closing date: 29 February. Details: http://www.flash500.com
Crime Writers Association Debut Dagger Award for a crime novel. Submit the first 3,000 words plus synopsis up to 1,000 words. Prizes: £500. Entry fee: £42. Closing date: 29 February. Details: http://www.thecwa.co.uk
Lots of opportunities here for you to get your writing efforts noticed by people in the business and walk off with a monetary prize. As ever, do please double-check details before entering anything.
January is galloping down upon us and, with it, those New Year Resolutions to write more and write better. So here are some competitions to think about even before the decorations come down…
The 2023 Exeter Novel Prize is seeking the first 10,000 words of an unpublished novel manuscript by an author who is not currently represented by a literary agent. There is a first prize of £1,000 and five runners up will each receive £100. The final judge will be literary agent Hellie Ogden. Send the opening of the novel plus a synopsis no longer than 500 words. The total word count must be no longer than 10,000 words. Novel manuscripts may be in any genre, including children’s and YA. All entries must be original and unpublished. Entry fee: £20. Closing date 1 January 2024. Details: https://www.creativewritingmatters.co.uk/2023-exeter-novel-prize.html
Hachette Children’s Novel Awards 2024 are for debut authors resident in the north of England. Two winners will be awarded £3,000 and a programme of mentoring activities. Submit the opening of the novel (between 3,000 and 6,000 words, plus a synopsis. Entry is FREE. Deadline 4 January. Details: https://newwritingnorth.com/
Discoveries 2024. The writer development programme from The Women’s Prize Trust is inviting entries from aspiring women novelists in the UK and Ireland. Prizes will be given for novel manuscripts by unpublished writers in any adult genre. Submit the first 10,000 words plus a synopsis between 500 and 1,000 words. Novel manuscripts do not need to have been completed. The winner will be offered representation by Curtis Brown and £5,000. All six shortlisted writers will be offered a mentoring session with a Curtis Brown agent and a free place on a six week Curtis Brown online course. One writer will be named The Discoveries Scholar and win a free scholarship to attend a three-month Curtis Brown Creative Writing Your Novel course. All 16 longlisted authors will receive a bespoke two-week online Discoveries Writing Development Course. Entry is FREE. Closing date 8 January. Details: http://www.discoveries.curtisbrown.co.uk/
The Prolitzer Prize for Prose is for fiction or creative non-fiction that challenges or entertains the reader. The maximum word count is 2,500. The first prize is £200 and two runners up will each get £50. Winners will be published in Prole 35. Entry fee is £5, and £3 for any subsequent entries. Closing date 21 January. Details: http://www.prolebooks.co.uk/competitions.html
New Writers Flash Fiction Competition 2024 has a £1,000 first prize for original unpublished flash fiction up to 300 words, with second and third prizes of £300 and £200. Entry is £8 for one, £15 for two and £22 for three. £1 from each entry will be donated to the First Story creative writing charity for young people. Closing date: 31 January. Details: https://newwriters.org.uk/flash-fiction-competition/
The Plaza Crime First Chapters Prize 2024. Win a £1,500 first prize for the opening of a crime novel up to 5,000 words, plus a synopsis, and there are second and third prizes of £300 and £100. The winner will also receive feedback from the judge, crime writer David Mark. Winners will be published in Plaza Anthology 2. Entry fee is £20 for the first entry and £10 for any subsequent entries. Closing date: 31 January. Details: https://the plazaprizes.com/competition/the-plaza-crime-first-chapters-prize/
The Kent & Sussex Poetry Society Open Poetry Competition 2024 are looking for entries of original, unpublished poems in any style up to 40 lines. First prize is £1,000 and there are second and third prizes of £300 and £100. Four runners up will each receive £50. Entry fee is £5 per poem, or £4 each for three or more poems. Deadline: 31 January. Details: https://kentandsussexpoetry.com/
Good Luck! Make 2024 your winning year, either by winning or being placed in a competition or by making a significant start on a new book.
(As always, please check details before entry, in case the organisers have made any last-minute alterations)
My profound apologies, but this post is later than planned – owing to an attack of the vomiting illness that seems to be doing the rounds. The details of some of the competitions at the close of the piece are also missing, so please Google the title listed below to find out more. I will try and complete these in a day or so, assuming I recover. (Of course, I DO expect to recover. I should say WHEN I recover…!)
You will need fingers of lightning speed to enter the Ellen J Miller Memorial 2024 Short Story Competition, because it has a deadline of December 1st. But everyone likes a challenge, don’t they? And if you are a Barbara Pym fan you might find it an enjoyable exercise. To help, this post is going out a day or two early. Stories must prominently feature one or more characters from Barbara Pym’s published novels and be of approximately 2,000 words, maximum length 2,200 words. Cash prizes of $250, $100 and $50. Entries by email to: barbarapymsociety@gmail.com. Details: barbara-pym.org
The same applies to the Ringwood Short Story Competition 2023, which also has a deadline of December 1st. This is for writers with a connection to Scotland – those based or formerly resident in Scotland, or who identify as Scottish. The winner will receive £100 and the winning story, plus up to two others, will be published online. There are two new prizes: the Leela Soma Prize (£50) for the best entry by a writer of colour with a Scottish connection; also the Grant Muir Prize which is for previous Ringwood interns, staff and authors, and these stories will not be eligible for the main prize. Enter original, unpublished short fiction up to 3,000 words. Entry fee: £2 per story. Details: http://www.ringwoodpublishing.com/short-story-competition/ringwood-short-story-competition-2023/
Criminal Lines 2023. AM Heath’s competition for debut crime novelists is inviting entries by debut, unpublished, unagented crime novelists from the UK and Ireland. The winner will get £3,500 plus an offer of representation from AM Heath. The runner up will receive twelve months of mentoring from Orion. To enter, send the first 5,000 words of an unpublished crime novel manuscript and a synopsis of up to 1,000 words. Entry is FREE. Closing date: 7 December. Details: https://amheath.com/criminal-lines/
Autumn days and evenings are perfect for reading, and writing. So here are a few competitions to whet your authorial (is that a word?) appetite:
The Scribble Annual Short Story Competition 2023 for stories up to 3,000 words that start with the line: ‘He had an uneasy feeling as he inserted the key.’ (He may be changed to ‘she’ or ‘I’) There are prizes of £100, £50 and £25. The winning entry will be published in Scribble. Entry fee is £5. Closing date: 1 November, so get your skates on. Details: http://www.parkpublications.co.uk/competitions.html
Fish Short Story Competition for stories up to 5,000 words. Prizes: 3,000 euros for first, a week at Anam Cara Writer’s Retreat in West Cork, plus 300 euros expenses for second, 300 for third, seven 200 euro honorable mentions. Entry: 20 euros. Closing date: 30 November. Details: http://www.fishpublishing.com
The Anthology Travel Writing Award 2023. Win a £500 prize for non-fiction travel artices. Anthology Magazine is inviting entries of original, unpublished non-fiction travel articles up to 1,000 words. The winner will be published in Anthology. Entry fee: £15 Euros. Deadline: 30 November. Details: https://anthology-magazine.com/awards/travel-writing-competition/
The Bath Children’s Novel Award 2023 for unpublished and independently published writers for children. The winning author will receive £3,000 and all shortlisted writers will receive feedback on their manuscript from Cornerstones editorial director Monica Chakraverty. One longlisted writer will win a place worth £1,800 on the online Edit Your Novel the Professional Way course from Professional Writing Academy and Cornerstones Literary Consultanty. Entries may be novel or chapter book manuscripts, novels for teens, or picture books. To enter, submit the first 5,000 words and a synopsis. Picture book writers may submit the text for three books for a single entry fee. Entry fee: £29. Closing date: 30 November. Details: https://bathnovelaward.co.uk/childrens-novel-award/
Cinnamon Press Literature Award for 15 poems up to 50 lines each, 2 short stories or up to 10,000 words of a novel. Prizes: publishing contract. Entry fee: £18. Closing date: 30 November. Details: http://www.cinnamonpress.com
Not a vast array of competitions, but an interesting selection. Do please remember to check all details before entering.
And here is the delightful Skipper – soon after his arrival in Valerie’s household – to wish you good luck!
Autumn days…what better time to either curl up with a good book or – better still – write something creative of your own. Here are a few competitions to spur you on.
Grindstone International Novel Prize 2023 for unpublished, previously published or self-published writers who are not represented by a literary agent. The winner will receive £1,500. There is a runner-up prize of £500 and four shortlist prizes of £100. All the long-listed entries will be forwarded to agents affiliated to Grindstone Literary. Include an elevator pitch and a brief synopsis (300-400 words) with the first 5,000 words. Entry is £20. Closing date: 1 October. Details: http://www.grindstoneliterary.com
Bath Flash Fiction Award. Thrice yearly competition for flash fiction up to 300 words. Prizes: £1,000, £300, £100, 2x£30. Entry fee: ££9. Closing date: 1 October. Details: http;//bathflashfictionaward.com
Tom Gallon Trust Awards for short stories up to 5,000 words by authors who have had at least one story accepted for publication. Prizes: £2,00, £1,000, £500. FREE ENTRY. Deadline: 31 October. Details: http://www.societyofauthors.org
The Bedford Competition for short stories up to 3,000 words or poetry up to 40 lines. Prizes: £1,500, £300, £200. Entry £7.50 for one or £15 for three. Deadline 31 October. Details: https://bedfordwritingcompetition.co.uk
Fiction Factory Short Story Competition for stories up to 3,000 words. Deadline 31 October. Prizes: £500. Entry fee: £7. Details: http://fiction-factory.biz
Retreat West Prize for short stories (1,500-2,500 words) flash fiction (150-500 words), and micro-flash (up to 150 words). Prizes: £400, £250, £150, £20 each shortlisted for short stories; £350, £200, £100 and £15 for flash; £200, £100, £50 and £10 for micro. Entry fee: ££10 for short stories, £8 for flash, £5 for micro. Closing date: 31 October. Details: http://www.retreatwest.co.uk
Virginia Prize for Fiction for unpublished novels, at least 45,000 words, by women. Prizes: Development and publication of the winning novel. Closing date: 31 October. Details: https://aurorametro.,com/virginia-prize-for-fiction/
McKitterick Prize for the best first novel, published or unpublished, by an author over the age of 40. Prizes: £2,000, 4x£1,000. FREE ENTRY. Closing date: 31 October. Details: http://www.societyofauthors.org
Competitions are a tremendous way of honing your writing skills and even being long-listed for something is a worthwhile achievement. Think of it like the Olympic medals. Everyone hopes for a Gold Medal, but nobody scorns receiving the Bronze Medal.
Please check details before entry in case of last-minute cancellations or alterations.
With little spare money for books when I was growing up, I haunted the local library (using my mother’s ticket) and begged for book tokens as presents.
An early birthday treasure was Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre, with its introduction to the moody, broody Fairfax Rochester and his collision (I use the word advisedly) with a disadvantaged young governess who astonishes him by considering herself his spiritual equal.
Jane had a hard life, being orphaned, then taken in unwillingly by an aunt lacking the charity to care for her who sent her to a harsh school run by a clerical hypocrite. Daunted, but not crushed, she emerges as an educated young woman eager to explore the outside world. Advertising for a position, she finds herself in a grand house that conceals a secret of gothic proportions. She also finds herself presented with almost irresistible physical temptation.
The story of Jane Eyre is widely known, from films as well as from the book, but for those who have somehow missed it, I will refrain from further spoilers – except to say that this novel, written in a Yorkshire parsonage in the days of Victoria, has much to say to a modern reader.
The book was the first one to teach me about strong women. That they didn’t have to be Boudicca or Elizabeth Tudor, capable of leading men into battle. That they could be seemingly ‘ordinary’ creatures who made something significant of often narrow lives.
‘Miss Eyre, are you ill,’ says Bessie, highlighting the child’s awkward place in her aunt’s house: she is not a servant, yet nor is she mistress of anything except herself. Young women ‘of the middling sort’ in Victorian England had few opportunities other than marriage, teaching someone else’s (often spoiled) children, or becoming companion to a demanding dowager. Yet Jane Eyre uses her experience of cruelty and loneliness to strengthen her natural independence of spirit.
The book takes the reader from a harsh, even cruel, charity school for girls, to the frustrations of a woman yearning for more than society will allow her.
Its language is exceptional, almost poetic:
“Jane, be still; don’t struggle so like a wild, frantic bird, that is rending its own plumage in its desperation.”
“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will…”
Jane’s strength of character helps her make a heart-wrenching decision after falling in love with someone beyond her reach, finding that love returned, but discovering that it is forbidden. Her courage, principles and aspirations remain an example even in the 21st century.
While Jane’s creator, Charlotte Bronte, sounds happy with her own eventual marriage to the Rev. Arthur Nicholls, she discovers it has a cost: her husband may be loving, but turns a disapproving eye on her confiding correspondence with a female friend:
“Arthur has been glancing over this note,” she writes. “He thinks I have written too freely…”
If I am left with one sadness about the book, it is because I cannot imagine the spirited Jane allowing Rochester to censor her correspondence.
Jane Eyre changed my life in that my own story – The Servant – was inspired by a visit to London’s Foundling Museum and the stories I discovered there about other disadvantaged young women of education in the 18th century.
Set in 1765, young Hannah may be the granddaughter of a French merchant and the daughter of a Spitalfields silk weaver, but she has come down in the world. Sent as maidservant to a disgraced aristocrat, she finds herself in a house of mysteries, with auctions being held behind closed doors. Unknown to her employers, she can read. But when she uses her education to uncover the secrets of the house, she finds herself in danger…
The award-winning historical thriller, The Servant, by Maggie Richell-Davies is on special 99p offer until the end of September, or £1.99 thereafter. Or it is free to read on Kindle Unlimited.
Time to apply yourself before the autumn is upon us – perhaps by entering one of the following competitions?
The Manchester Fiction Prize is awarded for a short story up to 2,500 words The winner will receive £10,000. Entry fee is £18 per story. Deadline: 1 September. Details: http://www.mmu.ac.uk/writingcompetition
V S Pritchett Short Story Prize for stories between 2,000-4,000 words. The winner will receive £1,000 and have their story published in Prospect Magazine and the RSL Review. Entry fee is £7.50 Deadline 1 September. Details: https://rsliterature.org
Mslexia 2023 Fiction Competitions invite entries from women writers for the following fiction prizes. Novel: the first prize is £5,000 for the first 5,000 words of a novel for adult or young adult readers. Short fiction, up to 3,000 words has a winning prize of £3,00 and three finalists will receive £100. Flash Fiction of no more than 300 words has a winning prize of £500, with three runners’ up receiving £50. Closing date for all categories: 18 September. Details: mslexia.co.uk
The Ovacome Writing Competition 2023. Short stories up to 1,500 words on the theme ‘Between’. There is a first prize of £250, with a runner-up prize of £50 Waterstones book voucher. Entry fee: £8. Deadline: 15 September. Details: https://www.ovacome.org.uk
Crowvus Christmas Ghost Story Competition 2023 is an annual competition for supernatural stories up to 4,000 words. Prizes: £100, £75 and £50, together with publication. Each author may enter up to two stories. Entry: £3 for one, £5 for two. Closing date: 30 September. Details: http://www.crowvus.com/competition
New Voices First Novel Competition 2023. Win a Start-Up mentoring package worth £750 which is aimed at writers who have completed at least 50 pages of a manuscript. Submit the first page plus a one-page synopsis. Entry fee: £10. Closing date 14 September. Details: http://adventuresinfiction.co.uk/new-voices-competition/
Hammond House (UK) 2023 International Literary Prize for short stories, 1,000-5000 words,poems up to 40 lines and scripts, up to 10 pages on the theme of FATE. Entry: £10 Prizes: short stories, £1,000, £100, £50; poems, £500, £50, £20; scripts £250. Deadline 30 September. Details: http://www.hammondhouse.org.uk
As ever, please check entry details in case of changes. Someone has to win, why not you!